I’m glad we fell, babe.

Father’s Day and 27 years.

Hey babe, I haven’t written to you in a while, and I know how you like my blogs and all, so here’s my heart again.  With each year we seem to fall a little harder …in love, that is.  No really, it’s true, wouldn’t you agree?  With each passing year our original groove where we first fell the hardest, gets a little deeper and makes it harder for surprises to threaten who we are together.  Sure, some of those surprises take their best shot at tearing down who we were, are and keep becoming, but so far every threat has only been used for our good and God’s glory and only proves to press us deeper into Him and harder into one another instead of pushing against God and away from one another. God has a way of turning what was meant for evil into good when life plays hard, and if we sit a while we get to see what He is up to and how somehow we not only fell in love 27 years ago, but fell into God’s plan for this covenant made for three.

Some people try really hard to stay in love, long after they tried really hard to fall in love.  We didn’t seem to have to work at it…we just fell and never got up.  Some people search long and hard, scanning websites, malls, bars, even churches for the right mate and others just fall…. There’s risk in falling, but if in the fall you come face to face with true love, then you’ve won, and the victory was worth the fall and the fight all along.  That’s us, babe.

Maybe since we fell so hard the first time, in some odd way that seemed to soften the blow of how many times we would stumble in marriage through the years.  The first fall was the hardest and I remember it well, we left quite a dent.  It’s a fun story to tell to our kids over and over.  Their young adult faces light up, accompanied by an eye roll or two when we tell them it was love at first sight.  We locked eyes at the start of 1992 and haven’t looked away since. I think I know your eyes better than my own, but isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be? They have a way of reminding me who I am when I look into them.

Little did we know how many stones we would dodge after the fall, stones that never seemed to make contact……if we just stayed low enough….right where we started.  We were good at throwing them at one another, too, but when you stay low, like us, the damage is never irreparable.

Maybe we never even had to duck.  Except that time I shattered the glass shower door with the iron.  yeah, you ducked then.  There was a lesson in that one, let me tell ya.  God did a little shaking and a siftin’ in me, a little pressing and a crushing and I got a little lower.  The dirt was welcoming to my knees and our groove got deeper.  True repentance  is supposed to bring change and healing.  The book is true.  It did.  I never threw another object at you.  Mercy.  Mercy falls while you’re in the dirt….in the valley.  There seemed to be a path carved out in mercy leading straight to heaven for us in low places, in the “I’m sorry’s’ and “I love you’s.” Maybe we learned to love hard in the valley while arrows flew right over our heads in the heavenlies. Oblivious at times.   The valley has a way of teaching us we don’t wrestle against flesh and blood but unseen authorities, principalities and powers.. that are relentless in waging war against our souls, and our covenant. If they can break a marriage covenant, they can mock the Bridegroom.  We learned if we resisted the enemy and ran to Jesus, the enemy was sure to flee, and we could PRAISE the Bridegroom.  We did, and our marriage is a living and loud declaration of what defeats Satan’s mockery, (Revelation 12:11).

When I fell so hard in love with you my dearest love on earth, my best friend, my husband, my goose, I didn’t know God would say, “stay right there…the ground is a good startThe lower you go, the deeper you will love….marriage is often a crawl not a sprint.  Marriage is forged on your knees, not under your feet.  Marriage gets low and stays low in order to serve the other one, even when the other one can’t serve you back.  Marriage stays in a position where it first fell in love.  Marriage looks up from below, whispers secrets of the heart that soar along the echos of shouting reminding the other one how to come back down and reposition oneself victoriously.  It reaches out a hand instead of putting up the hand.  Kisses instead of scorns.  Feeds instead of devours.  Sees the one you fell with as a gift to cherish and not the enemy to run from, even when the enemy tries to raise you up in pride, you stay low and examine yourself before, or often after, trying to rise above your mate. 

Jesus stooped down and drew a line in the dirt.  God formed man out of dirt.  Jesus taught parables about soil and seed.  Jesus taught us how to wash the dirt from one another’s feet.  He came to dwell with us in the dirt.  He wasn’t afraid of the ones who were dirty.  He mixed his spit with the dirt to heal a man’s blind eyes.  There’s something about the dirt, babe.

A husband who falls with his wife in that place called love and stays low is a husband she looks up to.  You didn’t do it perfectly, babe, but my respect has only grown for you first as God’s son, a man created in His image, a co-laborer in life and family, a business man, a husband, a father.  If you’ve proven anything, you’ve proven your dependable, reliable, loyal, hardworking, passionate, and that your vows to me and to God stand firm.  Here we are with three grown adult children who you still show up for, pour into, lend a hand to, love and continue to teach about adulting.  Your’e good at that.  Remember your the choleric and I’m the sanguine.  You’re the realist, or as I like to say, “the funsucker” and I’m the one trying to make it fun.  But if our children are a mix of a funsucker and a hyper-optimistic fun-magnet then God knew what He was doing. I’ll leave it at that.

There is something else that falls often as hard as two people falling in love at first sight and that thing is grace.  And when grace drops down from heaven, it puts you back in your place so you can protect your groove and settle in once again to who you were created to be together, drawing on the familiar and discovering ever changing nuances, tracing new lines on old skin, inahling familiar scents that actually trigger endorphins in the brain of comfort, security….. and exhaling once again…yeah, that’s us…..

Oh of course there are mountain top experiences…..but you can’t get there without trudging the valley.  And what after 27 years you get in a squabble in the kitchen trying to enjoy a season of empty nest and your desire to be right overrides the enjoyment of just the two of you?  Do you stomp off or do you reach over to touch familiar skin…older skin…. and say I’m sorry? Watch stern aging lines go soft……..a reminder you’ve been together a while…those lines.  I”ll pick skin over silent rights and rigid body language.  I’ll take waking up to a kiss instead of left over anger still brewing from the night before.  Even if it means I get to say sorry first, from that low place.  The low place understands forgiveness and heals…often in an instant.  Love does forget when it keeps no record of wrongs.  Funny how my list of wrongs grew shorter.  Funny how I can’t remember them even when I want to remember them.  Maybe that’s menopause, maybe that’s my groove in the dirt…..

And now here we are 27 years since we fell deep in love and I can honestly say, I love you more today then I did then.  I like our low place together, its our groove and we fit there.  Over the years we have learned which buttons not to push, the small ones and the nuclear ones, we’ve stayed away from those the last few years.  It’s as if we got to study one another in the low places….like those war movies where the men are lying in the dirt making plans against the enemy.  Time is short and they need a plan. Sometimes its an ambush they plan, other times they are getting ambushed. They had to stay low and hidden in order to do that. out of the enemies eye while on his territory.   It was there they made vows, promised never to leave the other, promise to carry the other to safety, promise to take care of one another’s families should one perish.  I feel like those war buddies crawling through mud together,staying hidden in Christ, cuz this world is a war babe, and even if Jesus is my hero, you’re my battle buddy.  Cuz we don’t war against flesh and blood but we wrestle against powers and principalities and authorities in the heavenlies.  and if we’re going to make it we need a plan wrought in the dirt, eye to eye grit, mud on our bellies, heart to heart loyalty, covering each other’s back while the enemy stalks us all he wants….

There’s a new season before us my love, and its rich with blessing, cuz we hear better now….the sounds of heaven are clearer down here which seems backwards but wasn’t that the life of Jesus?  He humbled himself in the form of a servant and he always heard His Father’s voice.  He knew the secret of life and love and success in relationships.  Go low and stay low.  Serve the hardest to serve…. even when it’s your spouse.  love the hardest to love….even when its your spouse.  Forgive the unforgivable, or at least what you think is unforgivable, even when its your spouse.  When I grieve the Holy spirit is when I start looking down on everyone else in the dirt, and then I remember where I came from, and where we started when we fell….

I love you, babe and I love our groove.  When we fell hard…..God had a plan…

and hell shook…..


Isaiah 57:15: For thus says the One who is high and lifted up, who inhabits eternity, whose name is Holy; I dwell in a high and holy place and also with with him who has a contrite and lowly spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite.


When Jesus Whispers Are You Near Enough to Hear?

I really want to hear Jesus.  Did you read that?  I mean, did you really read that?  Go back and read that sentence again.

really want to hear Jesus.  I want to hear everything He is saying to me.

I want to hear everything He is saying to me in every situation, at all times, with all peoples, everywhere.  I desperately want to know what’s in my Lord’s heart.  What He loves. What He desires.  What He is planning.  What He is thinking.  What He delights in.  Who He is pursuing.  What He hears from the Father. What troubles Him.

Yes, what troubles Him….

“After saying these things, Jesus was troubled in His spirit and testified, “”truly, truly, I say to you, one of you will betray me.”” John 13:21.

“When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, He was deeply moved in His spirit and greatly troubled.” John 11:33

“Then Jesus, deeply moved again, came to the tomb.” John 11:38.

“Then Jesus went with them to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to his disciples, “”sit here while I go over there and pray. And taking with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, He began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then He said to them, “”my soul is very sorrowful, even unto death,; remain here and watch with me.  And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, “My father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me, nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.” Matthew 26:36-39

Because I desperately want to hear from the Lord, and have “upped my ante”  in doing so, I asked the Lord where to start in His Word for 2019.  First, lets cover what the phrase “up my ante” means:  It is a British phrase used in the sense of, “to increase the costs, risks, or considerations involved in taking an action or reaching a conclusion.”

So let’s start there.  Hmmmm….am I willing to increase the cost, take risks, and have considered all of this in desiring to do whatever it takes to hear from the Lord?


This morning I awoke a bit somber…a bit heavy…a bit forlorn…and this is all quite unusual for me.  Just about on any given day, at any hour, you could ask me how I was feeling on a scale of 1-10 and my answer would most likely be, “10.”  I contemplated whether or not to add an explanation point to that “10” but decided a “10” speaks for itself, no emphasis needed.  It’s simply a fact that no matter what my circumstances are in life, I am a “10” because of Jesus and all that He has done for me in my life.  This verse sums it up,

“The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with JOY!” Psalm 126:3

As I reflect on my journey with My Lord over these last 42 years of my life, and more intensely the last 22 years of my life, I cannot think of a time the Lord has not done great things for me.  He has always been good to me.


So even though I was feeling a bit somber, (which I no longer am) after spending a couple hours with my favorite person, the Holy Spirit, I was still a “10.” I have come to know that status is unchanging in  my heart.  You might argue and say, “Trish, your life is good right now, you aren’t going through anything (at least that I can see) that would cause you to feel otherwise.  You are healthy, secure, in a good marriage…everything seems to be going your way…”

And often that is how it all appears to observers, onlookers…

The truth is there are circumstances in my life that I continually pray for breakthrough in.  That I continually sprint through that torn veil into the holy of holies on bruised knees, and with heavy head, and anguish of spirit, cry out, travailing in tears and tongues, “your kingdom come in this situation, Lord! Show  me your face!”

And I arise a 10 in Christ who makes me complete in Him, no matter what I am facing in the natural.  You see, this is a burning, intense joy, ablaze with hope, that cannot be extinguished by the cares of this life. 

Not in Christ anyway…

And that’s a good start and even better finish….in Christ.  If you are “in” Christ, you have been given the mind of Christ, through the Holy Spirit, and are therefore able to hear from Him.  There are several ways we hear from the Lord.  And I keep using that particular reference to Him, as Lord, because when we come to Him as Lord, we are giving Him Lordship over every area of our lives in an attitude of willingness and humility to allow Him to have His way in every spiritual and natural area of our lives.  The spiritual flowing into the practical….He is LORD.

His closest friends and companions referred to Jesus as Lord.

They called Him Lord.  

So how do we hear from the Lord?  The first and most reliable way we hear from the Lord is through His Word.  We cannot possibly get to know Him or know His heart unless we literally devour His Word.

“Your words were found and I ate them, and your word was to me, the joy and rejoicing of my heart.”  Jeremiah 15:16

If you believe for a second that you do not have time to devour His word and dedicate time to nurturing an intimate relationship with Him through His word, then you have bought into one of the GREAT lies of the deceiver.


“The thief comes to kill, rob and destroy, but I have come that you may have life and have it abundantly.” John 10:10.

If you say you don’t have time, you have just allowed the enemy to rob and destroy an intensely joyful relationship with the Lord. You have just forfeited your own joy, and your key to unlocking the treasure of hearing from the Lord. You have forfeited deep, satisfying, intimate friendship with the Lord, a kind of friendship He tells his troubles to, his secrets…

The Lord confides in those who fear Him and reveals His covenant to them.” Psalm 25:14.  

Some versions say, “The friendship of the Lord is for those who fear Him…

What that word friendship conveys through the beautiful Hebrew language is, “to recline with and have familiar conversation with as one speaks to a friend face to face.”

Let that seep into your being….don’t even keep reading until that seeps deep down into your innermost being…your deepest part…where deep cries out to deep!

Do you hear what the Lord is calling us to in 2019? A deep, unfettered, well of the knowledge of our God!  A deep well where the secrets of God’s heart are drawn out through returning to the place of familiar conversation with our Lord, day after day, morning after morning, walking with our Lord, communing with Him day and night, fearing Him rightly as Lord, but conversing with Him in sweet, uninhibited friendship!

So I asked the Lord this morning, where do you want me to start?  And I heard start at the last supper.  What was the last thing Jesus wanted to tell His closest friends before He left?  Who would He tell them to?  Would He simply give them instructions?  As vital to their coming survival and example in Christ those instructions were for what they were being called to… Was there anything else He would choose to reveal to His most closest and trusted friends?

Yes.  Jesus would not only teach them what was going to be expected of them and how they would live out those expectations, he would also reveal to one closest to Him what troubled him so…

Jesus is about to be betrayed and reveals to his disciples that one of them will, in fact, betray him.  We all know the story.  Jesus doesn’t come right out and say, “Judas is going to betray me tonight.”  I imagine if He would have said that, Judas would have denied it,”Never, Lord!”  Arguments may have broken out among the 12, and disruption surely would have taken place at the last supper, hindering the Lord from furthering his last words of encouragement and comfort and instructions to his friends.  He had more important things to say, rather than in haste point out his betrayer.  Yet there was one….one who He would tell…

One he could ultimately trust not to blab…not to pridefully point his finger at…for now was not the time, it would be revealed soon enough.  One who had patience and trusted His Lord with his heart, his secrets, his anguish of soul….

to this one, Jesus whispered to…..

He whispered because it wasn’t for everyone to hear.  He whispered because John was close enough to Jesus to hear His whisper.  John was seated next to Jesus.  I don’t believe for a second that was by chance.  For just like Mary who sat at the Lord’s feet, I believe John “saved his seat” by His Lord.  He may have even told the others, “I’m sitting next to Jesus tonight.”  Or the others may have known and not even questioned that John would sit anywhere else in the room except right next to his Lord, his closest friend.  John wanted no distractions that would divert his attention from hearing what his Lord wanted to say.  He would stay as physically close to Him as He could, even to his death.  Had he been at the other end of the room, he may have missed something.  Had he decided to sit next to a chummy friend he wanted to have a few good laughs with that night, he may have missed something…. had he been entangled with getting up and serving or making sure things were “just so” for the dinner, (after all he was one of the three in charge of preparing it), he may have missed something.

Instead, John chose to sit right next to Jesus.  He wasn’t about to miss a thing His Lord was saying,

even when He whispered…..

and that required a position that was unwilling to be anywhere else other than right next to Christ.  A position so close, he was close enough to press in even more intimately…

so close he was able to lean into Jesus’ chest. unashamed.  uninhibited.  As if to say,

Why are you so troubled, Lord?  Tell me! If there is a secret you are willing to share with me, I am leaning in!  I’m pressing in!  I won’t get up from this place or attend to anything else until you tell me! I’m listening, Lord.  I care about what troubles you!  What grieves you!  It grieves me, too!  

I am convinced this is the kind of friendship Jesus is looking for in each one of us.  But not everyone will find it.  Not everyone will sacrifice busyness, distractions, time….not everyone will slow down enough to hear not only the troubles of the Lord’s heart, but also the glorious, astounding, soul trembling, hidden things of His heart, He longs to reveal to those who sit near enough to hear His whisper.

Call to Me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known.”  Jeremiah 33:3



When Mary met JESUS

If I could take you there with me as if we were sitting down for coffee with Mary of Magdala…and we asked her about her transformation.  Ya know, what was that like????  We want details don’t we?  I mean, we know when details aren’t helpful, right?  We know when not to ask something, or tell something….but really, we crave deep meaningful conversation and we want the whole story…… but what if she began this way to our question….. “What was it like, Mary?”

“I’ll never forget the first time I heard his voice…

“Mary?” Who said that? Did someone say my name? My name….my name…my name…my name is Mary! I can’t remember the last time anyone had spoken my name.  Maybe my mama…I think she was the last one.  I hadn’t heard anyone say what my mama called me in years… Oh, how I used to love it when she’d say my name…when I was in my soft place…all wrapped up in the quilts she had sewn for me, and that pillow she had stuffed for me.  Hand plucked feathers from the goose we got to eat that one festival. Warm and safe.  I would always be warm and safe…. waking to her whisper sweet. “Marythe sun rose for you today, can you feel it’s warmth?”  It’s like my name was all oiled up and softened in a mama-kiss before it ever left her lips.  If I didn’t know better, I’d say I was her favorite.  Mama and I, we were inseparable. She always made me feel so safe…from the older kids that teased me, the man who tried to touch me and smelled like old grapes and smoke and dirty…and  from….well, from the dark ones. I can’t remember when they came.  They just showed up one day and I remember telling mama about them, cuz I could tell her anything and she’d believe me too.  She always said, “sweet, oh sweet, don’t be afraid to say what’s hiding all the way down where you can’t see but only feel…right down here where it gets all twisted tied up and stuck” (motioning to her stomach), even if its the scariest thing you’ve ever done.”  So I told her one day….I see them in my dreams…and I’m so scared, mama…they are always after me, chasing me in the dark, and its cold and you aren’t there…and I keep screaming for someone to save me but the sound went deaf and no one can hear me!

“They’re not real, Mary.  Its just a nightmare….And when God cracks open the night and pours the light of shining  into it…and the heat of it kisses you here and here as she kissed my toes and my nose…they’ll go away.  My sweet Mary…”.

For a while all I had to do was remember mama’s words….and wait for the morning, and she was right.  It’s like the light scattered them and they’d run off just before dawn. They were frightened from the God- light.

Time kept pushing years into me, stretching skin and shape into my girl-like body and imaginative mind.  I had met and formed relationships with so many interesting people in the buzz of our market square.  I was so creative and skilled with dyeing the well-sought after textiles and fabrics in our family business.  Oh how I loved watching people travel for miles to see my designs.  In this I took great delight. And so it was for a season.  A season of life, success, status and prosperity. My world was so multi-colored and beaming with life the dark dancers had stayed behind the curtain hung in my mind dividing the stage between performance and reality.

I forgot about them until one night they came back.  I didn’t get much sleep that night, they’re shadows dripping a slow dance like drunken ghosts reeling and stumbling in and out of my dreams. And when the morning came, it was still dark.  Where was the light God was supposed to pour into the cracked open night?  Where was the heat on my face? I peered outside and saw the townfolk bustling about in their everyday affairs….they were in the light, why wasn’t I in the light? So I pretended I was in the light as I joined them and that worked for a few days….but then I got so confused, the dark ones crept in and stole sleep right out of the song that mama used to sing me to get me to the safe place.  And oh how my body burned and buzzed. Like flames licking at raw skin.  I was so sick.  My heart that used to slow to the rhythm of mama’s songs I had remembered,  and my man’s strong and gentle hands as they rubbed my weary shoulders from the water jugs…. just  ached and raced now.  They stole my breath and there was no peace in my bones. Food repulsed me and my teeth began to rot. No matter how hard I tried to shut my eyes I could see them and hear them…..screaming their taunts, like shrieks, drowning out unspoken cries that couldn’t get past that place….the deep place… my sanity dripping away with each tear…drip, drip, drip……. washing away.  As long as I could cry, I knew I was still alive.  My tears were like a healing rain to my shriveling soul, but when they finally ran out, I knew I was dead..

Things got so bad  I wasn’t safe anymore.  I couldn’t remember who I was.  Where I came from.  who I belonged to.  I was dirty, so dirty.  My head itched from the lice that had taken up nests in the matts of my hair, and the sores on my scalp and leftover gnawed skin….they oozed and stunk.  People were so afraid of me…I was afraid of me…and the voices never stopped.  Sometimes I ran screaming covering my ears trying to drown out the shrieking shadows, but that only made people run far away from me and scurry their children out of my crazed path.  They threw food at me sometimes like the feral dogs…the ones I slept with for heat. The ones that licked my left-over broken skin…

day after day I screamed and I could no longer decipher if it was the dark ones or my own  screaming being released from the twisting in my deep…..my whole body was in agony and I moaned along to their ancient hypnotic song…..

Torment never left me and if the torment inside of me wasn’t enough, the stabs from the daggered looks of faded from memory friends and kind neighbors, who now shunned my very presence, deepened my anguish.  I was worse than the lepers, they had each other.  I had no one….but the dark ones.

Mary…there it is again!  Who is it?  Stop taunting me!

“wait….say it again, please….it sounded like safe….say it again….please….”

Mary…… I was blinded from the blazing light….

“its shining in that sound…..please say it again?  It sounds like…like you know me….

nobody knows me anymore, its been a long time since I went away.”

Mary…. this time louder….

more light! can it be?!?  I haven’t seen light since I can remember!

Mary, I have always known you….I gave your mama your name….I was there when she held your naked slippery skin still wet from her womb and in a barely whisper breathed out your name on you.

can you hear me, Mary?  I told the dark ones to be quiet.  They have no more authority over you.

“You can’t have her, she let us in!  She’s done too much, hurt too many people, she will never be free! They will never accept her, not now, not ever! Her reputation is that of a mad woman! No one will let her come near them!”

Be quiet! and return from whence you came.  You no longer hold any power over this lamb for I hold the power of heaven and earth and all authority has been given to Me!  This Mary you have tormented for this short time, belongs to the king of Kings and Lord of Lord’s and you will never visit her again.  Be gone.

and then He ROARED….and in the wake of His mighty roar…

Fear fell off  like a weight of a thousand rocks shattering the earth below…

Unloved lept from its strangling grip on my heart and disappeared into the light…

Shame slid like scales from my eyes and their singed remains vanished in the fire of His gaze…

Sickness limped away crooked and disfigured….

Lies, screamed in torment covering its ears at the deafening roar….and fell silent.

Death loosed its grip and no longer summoned me….

Pride hung its head in shame and bowed in subjection to this Mighty King before me ….

Suddenly, I remembered who I was! I could see!  I could think! Tranquility ran like a healing balm over my mind, soul and body….my flesh wounds closed up and my heart slowed to the rhythm of unfamiliar love, yet I recognized it as the love I had longed for my whole life….Love had awakened me! He spread His robe over me and covered my exposed nakedness, dressed my wounds, gently lifted me from the ground below us and drew my eyes into the heat of His gaze….and then He smiled the delight of a thousand smiles and said,

Mary…sweet mary…The Son rose on your darkness today…follow me.


The Best Wine

Weddings are expensive.  They will cost you.  I know this because my middle daughter, Kylee, the princess of the two beautiful female descendants of mine, is soon to be married.  This means many things.  The first, according to the goose (AKA Eric, my husband and father of the bride”, would say, and furthermore can’t wait to say to the groom on June 23rd, 2018 is, “She’s all yours!”  Which, if you are reading this correctly can hear the sound effects of the ringing and dinging of a cash register, Cha- ching!  Or as the sign on our kitchen wall reads, “Bank of Dad; where money grows on trees” will no longer hold true. From diapers to dance lessons, onesies to prom dresses, butterfly kisses to blown kisses through car windows, long and lingering snuggle-wrapped naps to quick teenage hugs, baby shoes to high heels, bumped heads and scraped knees to broken and shattered hearts, first day of school to first boyfriend, pre-school to college graduation and lullaby’s all the way to the wedding march, the dam of the “bank of dad’s” heart, will break loose in more ways than one.

On June 23rd, 2018, after signing off the last check to all the professional services hired to ensure a perfect day emulating an elegant/romantic theme, feeding 150 or so guests a plated dinner, under hundreds of aromatic blooms, Eric will wipe the sweat from his brow, change his perspired- drenched shirt, take deep breaths to calm his racing heart and somehow try and remind himself, his daughter, his birdie, the bride…with these four words:

She was worth it.

We have been planning this wedding for 18 long months, because for some weddings, a great deal of thought and preparation must go into them.  The to-do list is never-ending, it takes ongoing communication with the many hired services, from pastor to DJ, florist to decorator, hair-stylist to make-up artist, chef to cake-baker, dresses and shoes, invitations and save the dates, honey-moons and plane tickets, marriage licences and passports, table-seating and wedding signs, songs and scripture….

you get my drift.

Weddings were never meant to be a small event.  In fact, the very first wedding ever recorded in history, is found in the oldest book of history, the bible.  John, the disciple whom Jesus loved, recorded this spectacular event for us in John chapter 2. The only one of the four gospels to document it, Jesus entrusted John to report His first miracle, which just happened to be, of all places, at The wedding of Cana.  Jesus performed many miracles, many healings, many deliverances, yet instead of the first recorded miracle being the casting out of a demon, or the healing of the lame or sick, Jesus chose something better, something far more significant.  Something that would not only stir the sign-seekers, but carve a deeper message into hearts set apart and made ready to understand this simultaneously physically natural yet Holy metaphor.  I believe he did so because he seemed to understand Jesus best. He not only understood the significance of a wedding being a well planned out event which caters to its very important guests, he recognized how the giving in marriage between a man and a wife is to be celebrated here on earth as a foreshadowing of the great wedding feast yet to come between Christ and His bride one glorious day in the future for every Christ follower.

and so we celebrate…and we celebrate well.

Probably the most intimate description of a wedding can be read in Song of Solomon, where here again, the finest of preparations are given a great undertaking.  Expensive oils, spices, flowers, cedar, wine, food and aphrodisiacs, are all listed as part of the long-awaited ceremony and consummation.  Song of Solomon describes the groom like a stag “leaping over the mountains and bounding over the hills” for his bride, peeking through windows and beckoning his bride to a new and blessed season in life filled with sweet love blessed and ever flourishing that they will build together.  And the bride’s thoughts are so consumed of her groom that she dreams of him at night, “On my bed by night I sought him whom my soul loves…I held him and would not let go… (Song of Solomon 3:1-3).  She is fearful she will lose him and cannot find him.

She is utterly lovesick.

So in love are they, that when the day of the wedding feast finally comes, they are said to be inebriated with love, drunk with love and so invite their guests to share in the beloved intoxication of this two-souled union being woven into one.

…Eat, friends, drink, and be drunk with love!” (Song of Solomon 5:1).

Ah, weddings…a glimpse of the dew of heaven resting upon us, shimmering off the rise of the sun, awakened to love at a depth of intensity and rising passion we cannot describe.

The tingle of exotic tastes, the stimulation of unknown senses coming to life in the physical union of flesh on flesh. 

And if I made you blush….I didn’t intend to.

God doesn’t blush at sex.  He created it as a sacred long-awaited pleasure between a man and his wife.  A pleasure that never gets old…representing the intimacy, joy, purpose and love the two joined as one are called to emulate to a world too often filled with the tearing of this covenantal fabric. The marriage bed represents a deeper knowing of the other one in his/her most intimate places.  And this, too, points to a deeper knowing of the bridegroom, Christ, as we are called to an intimacy and passion for Him that transcends that which is physical.

So what does all this mean in light of the celebratory scene of Cana settled into the Palestinian landscape of the small fishing village of Galilee? Jesus had just entered the scene.  He had been baptized by John the baptist, been tempted by the devil for 40 days in the wilderness, called his disciples, and now is the invited protagonist, along with his mother and disciples, at the Wedding of Cana.  The first thing we notice is that weddings are supposed to be celebrated.  The bride and groom, from ancient of days, are to be surrounded by a large number of family and friends, young and old alike.  They are to enjoy the effort and beauty, planning and serving that goes into the long awaited event.  Guests typically bring gifts to help the new couple begin their new lives together and they do it with gladness of heart.  Tears of joy are often shed during the ceremony.  Imagine, something as common as a wedding, can still evoke deep emotion out of hidden wells in our hearts and find their way out in gentle rivers down our faces at the sight of the bride, or the sound of the vows, or the lyrics of a song.

We want this.  We all want this. 

We want lifelong joy and commitment, health and prosperity, blessing and laughter, tears and hope, tenderness and cherishing, a stick-to-it-ness and perseverance that a marriage requires.

We cry out of the knowing…that there will be sickness and health, there will be richer and poorer, yet we cry because we know we were created to endure, and those of us who have endured cry harder.  Not out of pain, but out of sweet triumph that the other side brings.  For those of us who have been together longer than when we were apart…

we know. We made it to the other side.

our hearts have told us something the couple before us knows not.

Not yet anyway.  Yet our tears water their terrain so that their love may grow and mature…

and stay.  

And Jesus knows that this wedding is the celebration of a lifetime that will be tested, and refined through fire. The physical pointing to the spiritual. For just as a marriage is tried and tested, so is the heart of a committed believer who views the cross as both his heartbreak and his hope, his offense and his joy, and He knows the best is yet to come. At the cross death brought life, agony brought healing, darkness brought light, surrender brought forth mighty power.

And here we are at Cana where the ceremony is finished and the reception is ablaze with laughter and dancing, and the worst thing that can possibly happens, happens! The wine runs out! What will they do?  The guests will leave and the party will be over unless Jesus does something!  This will not look good on the wedding coordinator’s resume! Mary, (Jesus’ mother and quick thinker as mom’s usually are) takes the problem to Jesus.  If us Christian moms know anything, we know Jesus is the answer!  She says to  her son, “They have no wine.” Though Mary, herself, had yet to experience her son’s divine authority and power, the angel’s words rang just as loudly in her ears at that moment as they did 30 years ago…”He will be great and be called the Son of the Most High…” (Luke 1:32). If Mary knew anything about the Most High, she knew He was the one who split the sea, raised the dead, rained manna from heaven and caused her to become pregnant as a virgin apart from any sexual contact.  Surely, His Son could come up with a solution at her friend’s wedding.

And here they all were, waiting on Jesus…eyes locked and some loaded.  

Mary quickly commands the servants to do whatever Jesus tells them to do.  And I believe by the sheer thickness of the authority of the Holy Spirit’s presence, they willingly obey.  They bring six stone pots to Jesus.  Each pot able to hold 20-30 gallons of water, and they fill them with water (a precious commodity), at Jesus’ command.  Jesus then commands them to draw out the water and take it to the master of the feast.

When the master of the feast tasted the water now become wine, and did not know where it came from (though his servants did), the master of the feast called the bridegroom and said to him, “Everyone serves the good wine first, and when people have drunk freely, then the poor wine.  But you have kept the good wine until now.”  This is the first of his signs, Jesus did at Cana in Galilee, and manifested His glory, and his disciples believed in Him” (John 2:9-12). 

In modern day times, the equivalent cost of these six pots of the best wine is $90 million dollars.  How did I come up with that number?  It’s simple.  Google tells me that the most expensive bottle of red wine out there is a 1992 bottle of Screaming Eagle Cabernet with a net worth of $500,000. Who would pay such a price?


It is time to bring this blog to a close and my reflections to be stored away, pondered, and maybe a sentence or two, here or there, whisper truth to you from time to time.

Jesus is for weddings.  He is for celebrating them well.  He is the best wine saved for last for those who stick around and look to him when they run empty. Your marriage is worth the best Jesus has to offer. The finest most expensive and extravagant cost Jesus paid. He paid it on the cross.  He paid it for you and for your marriage.  And for that great wedding feast yet to come! He is the bridegroom leaping over mountains and hills and peering through windows to catch a glimpse of His bride! The invitation to the the glorious wedding is open and He is preparing His bride.  Will you come to Jesus?

The spirit and the Bride say, “come.”  And let the one who hears say,”Come.” And let the one who is thirsty come; let the one who desires take the water of life without price.”  Revelation 22:17

And like any Good Father will say to his daughter bride,

She was worth it.


I saw the moon

I saw the moon in a blackened sky

as sleepy heads stirred and soft mama lips hushed baby’s cry.

Around the moon bore a soft illumined glow,

twilight danced and stars blinked,

strung low. 

I thought of my Creator, who is and always was to exist

speaking into the void

cutting through mist.

the morning stood at a distance awaiting its command

to shed forth the sun and light up this land.  

at the crack of creation a covenant was fixed,

day and night would be separate and no longer mixed. 

the dark interrupted by streams of bright light,

shot forth from his mouth, opening the night.

bases were sunk to hold up the earth,

 the deep obeyed its bounds,

and lines were drawn around mountains outlining their girth. 

Man has no excuse to deny our God most high, 

just wake before dawn 

and gaze into the blackened sky.  

The keeper of  tens of thousands of moons, 

Stringer of stars, 

 carver of lone desert dunes,

This God who gave form to a bottomless void,

calls us each into  love 

and swelled hearts overjoyed.

The same God who drew patterns of rivers and seas

connecting the land and painting the trees,

molded man from the dust and fashioned women from man’s side,

Is calling today, come near and abide.

come dwell with the God who unlike man knew no birth,

yet created his people with intrinsic worth.

Yes, that’s you in His image were made,

to shine forth His glory,

as all distractions fade.

Fading fast in His presence, 

as you sink into his embrace

kissed by His love

in this holy secret place.

A place so sacred, 

he cannot wait to share

to tell you His story, will you listen?

Do you dare?

of love on a tree, crushed and bleeding, a criminals death, and a just decree.

the demons they trembled, bowed low to defeat, the enemies works destroyed,

a new mercy seat. 

at the right hand of the Father, He now sits to reign,

a scepter of righteousness, makes free from all blame.

If sin keeps you shackled and fear has you bound,

repent lost sinner, for you have been found!

So run to that place

and dance with delight

seek his presence,

know His gaze, 

surrender the fight!

Sink into that gaze that burns with jealous fire,

adorning yourself in His righteous attire.

Let your mind and your heart unite in cries of praise,

seek His Spirit, 

feel His touch ignite a holy blaze.

Then up from your knees, lift your eyes from the floor

show others the way, 


The illusionary problem of spiritual gifts

I am reflecting…

As an introvert, reflecting comes quite naturally, because us intros tend to experience something and then let that experience float around in our brains for a good length of hours and moments, days and vivid dreamed filled nights before we settle what we believe about it.  We can take that thing and dunk it over and over, trying to scrub out every spot before we finally wring it out for good and hang it up to dry.  And somehow that’s where it finally makes sense to us, where from the clothesline stretching from the left to right in our brain we can see it all sorted out.

So I have been reflecting for just over a week now on a little trip I took with some dear friends down to Oklahoma City, Oklahoma to the Convergence of Word and Spirit Conference hosted by Sam Storms and Bridgeway Church.  We joined a few hundred Word-empowered believers and allowed our hearts to be cracked wide with the manifest presence of the Holy Spirit.  There we were, strangers in the flesh, yet a tangled kin of Spirit, doused in a fountain of truth,  refreshed and renewed with a pervasive sense of awe and the blinding beauty of God revealing this one truth:  spiritual gifts are not bad, nor are they a problem, they are indeed, very, very good and the body of Christ needs them.  Without them, we are fractured, sick, limping along, as we rejoice in half of the whole, two-thirds of the threefold manifest presence of God and somehow we are weakly satisfied. We are a giant Jenga game with foundational pieces yanked out of us, waiting to collapse.

Now, be sure that before I went to this conference, it is not that I thought spiritual gifts were bad, nor did I think they were a problem, and until a year and a half ago, I just sort of thought I could get along fine without a few of them, but my heart ached a different story.  It’s not that many of us who run in reformed circles don’t believe that these spiritual phenomena happened in the book of Acts and the New Testament letters inspired by this same Holy Spirit, and still occasionally do…things like prophecy, tongues, healing, miracles, words of knowledge, etc., It’s just that they haven’t seemed to “fit” into the way we do church and relationships within the church.  Sure we pray for healing, but how often do we persist in praying for healing while we lay hands on a sick brother or sister over and over for as long as it takes, or even pray for the gift of healing that we may be used within the body of Christ to edify the whole body so that some who are sick may become well and they in turn are used to build up this fractured and fragmented body of believers?  Sure we all get “hunches” about others, or rhema words, but how often do we pray about the hunch and specifically ask God to grant revelation to our hearts about a brother or sister that once delivered, will penetrate their hearts with the boundless affection and reckless love of God for them?  Possibly even changing the trajectory of his or her life?  How often do we press into pursuing this gift called prophecy as Scripture commands?

This conference was,

 manna….for our starving souls.  This was honey for the bitterness that had spread to unknown depths of our hearts. This was a rich healing oil that softened skepticism. This was a wellspring of water for the fallow ground inside of us that only yielded certain fruit that was used to the drought.  But just as God is a multi-faceted God of variety, diversity, color and beauty, figs and bananas, pineapples and kiwi, strawberries and blueberries, melons and pomegranates,  so we are to be a people who are living so in step with the Spirit that as the body collectively comes together we are an eye-catching banquet of fresh, sweet, nurturing, soul-sustaining fruit, to one another through the use of spiritual gifts.  

I remember once when I had pneumonia, I was probably the sickest I have ever been in my life and I decided to eat a pear that had been ripening on my counter top. I don’t eat pears often, even though I think they are really good.  I just live my life without them much of the time, until I got sickAnd I was sick! So sick with a temperature of 104, that the only thing that sounded good to me was a pear. As I bit into that pear, tears instantly rolled down my cheeks.  It was as if I had never tasted anything so refreshing and sweet at the same time, and in-between bites, through sticky-sweet lips, I gave uninhibited praise to God!  It was like I had never tasted anything so revitalizing in my entire life!   True story.  Yet I can’t help but wonder if this is how it is with the church much of the time.  We think we are getting along just fine without some of God’s most precious and refreshing gifts to us….until we fall sick.  Sick with backbiting, pride, busyness, complaining and grumbling, numbers dwindling, apathy for the lost, divorce, adultery, pornography, isolation, addictions, complacency, abortions, legalism and worst of all Pharisaical hearts….and all the while we are among those in need of the manifest presence of God like oil and wine upon our shriveled and imprisoned souls.  Yet we are strangely satisfied with bananas day after day, offering each other another banana when we could be offering one another wine made from the finest variety of grapes, raisin cakes, apples, blueberries, and pomegranates in order to restore the body back to health.

Well, I was one of many who was privileged to attend such a banquet.  I attended a feast of the finest fruit with exquisitely wrapped gifts set amongst this bountiful harvest. This was love wrapped in human flesh, and I have never been a part of something so filled with the splendor of the King.

Those of us who came, simply came with open hearts and received.  We brought nothing in exchange.   

I left Oklahoma City with a more deep…expansive view of God in the fullness of His intimacy between Father, Son and Spirit.  The sky was bluer, the trees more ablaze in their autumn brilliance, the worship music angelic with melodious sounds crossing over from an unseen realm.  I left with an insatiable hunger to continue earnestly pursuing and desiring the spiritual gifts, and especially those I had once sadly thought were no longer needed like prophecy and healing.

I do want to be clear, even though I confess to a time where I did not think we had much use for the gifts, the funny thing was that I still believed and still operated in them from time to time, just not on a consistent basis.  I am grateful God has rekindled them and set a fire in my heart to cry out for more of who He is and seek His manifest presence through these gifts.

The morning after I returned from the conference I awoke with tears.  Tears of wonder as my heart refused to leave this attitude of awe and worship. How could it?  I had just witnessed deaf people healed, pervasive migraines healed, words of knowledge for people, people receiving the gift of tongues and the gift of healing.  A very intimate word was spoken over me that the woman delivering it could not have known about me, because it had only been between God and myself before.  I witnessed pastors hardened to the manifest presence of the Holy Spirit through spiritual gifts repent.  I watched men rise to their feet repenting of not being leaders in their homes. I heard the most beautiful sound as people around us sang in tongues and it served only to enhance my worship experience as tears rolled over my cheeks and dampened by sleeves.

and so much more!

So here I am, reflecting.  This morning I awoke to a thought piercing my right brain like a dagger, the problem with spiritual gifts is not the gifts themselves, but the people they are given to. Not very profound, I know, as many who have written about the gifts before me have stated. Yet, here I am attempting to make sense of a very controversial, often avoided, sometimes misguided, and all together divisive subject within the Christian community.  You see, I have been on a sort of quest the last year and a half.  As I look back, I am not even quite sure how I happened upon this alluring journey except for a small flutter of a deep inner stir that pricked my conscience and gave way to an almost deafening echo in the deep caverns of my groaning heart. That echo made everything within me, at the top decimal of the voice inside my head say, ‘There has to be more…”  It was the same voice that months earlier echoed in prayer over and over, “If you are the God of Job, then just as sure as you take away, you restore, show me that you restore, Oh God.”  He was faithful to answer that prayer then and has been ever more faithful to answer the bottomless echoed prayer in the pit of my soul that yearns for what it was made for: to truly know as much of God and His glory that this human frame traced by the finger of Holy can bear. 

You see, the problem is not the gifts themselves. Because they bear the mark of God, they are derived from God who is perfect.  He is wholly good.  He is the essence of  beauty yet to be discovered by human eye.  He is not surrounded by love or the efficacy of love, but is love.  He is not the kind of earthly love between humans, but an altogether pure and holy love.  He is wisdom and He is power.  He spoke and created all intricacies of life and cells and chromosomes and molecules and atoms and vapor and energy and light and sound and arteries pumping blood and oxygen.  He speaks and mountains quake and seas roar.  He tells the lightning where to strike and stores up frost and winter in storehouses laden with snow. He watches the deer give birth and commands the morning.  Day to day pours forth speech and night to night reveals the knowledge of who He is.  He is perfect.

We are fallen and born into sin.

And so we, in our fallen state, receive perfect gifts from the Father of lights with who there is no variation or shifting shadow, and it is we who shift and hide in the shadows. It is we who have not revered who God is and emulated what He is like when it comes to these gifts. We unwrap them and like spoiled children discard them, set them on a shelf in the back of our closets because we have so many other churchy things to choose from that the gifts can completely fade away and never even be missed. We have a myriad of ministries, organizations, charities, bible studies, small groups, events on the church calendar to fill our time. We have Christian friends who support our views and our high esteem of the Word while we ignore, neglect, despise and even mock some of the most beautiful work of the Spirit among us through spiritual gifts instead of cherishing Who they represent and why they are given.

They are given so that we might love well.  They are given that we may be sustained through power until Christ returns as we build up the church.

You see, sandwiched between the two most explicit chapters on spiritual gifts (1 Corinthians 12 and 14) is what is commonly referred to as the “love chapter.”  Often used at weddings as the scripture reading, it has lost its original and inescapably purposeful intent. It is used to describe the way the gifts are to be expressed.  If the gifts are an expression of God’s love towards us, then they should be sought and expressed within the same vein of love to which they extend from.  As I stated earlier, the problem is not the gifts but the fallen race, us….people when we don’t understand what Paul is saying to us in 1 Corinthians 13,

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned,[a] but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogantor rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;[b] it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.”

What Paul is stating here is that without love the spiritual gifts are useless, but with love, they will do exactly what they are designed to do and that is to build up and edify the church in love (1 Corinthians 14:12).  That is why we are told over and over and over again throughout scripture to love one another.  Because when we do and when we earnestly pursue the gifts in love for one another, something explosively beautiful happens!  We become an unstoppable army in the eruptive power of the Holy Spirit.  The sick are healed, the oppressed are set free, the blind see, (spiritually and physically), we fall more in love with Jesus as we see His presence, power,and agency flowing through His body and we are more energized to serve and love one another and our neighbors.

I don’t think the church will stand in the tumultuous days ahead without the all empowering presence of the Holy spirit and a people equipped with the spiritual gifts we have been lacking.  I, for one, alongside my reformed charismatic friends, will, “pursue love, and earnestly desire the spiritual gifts, especially that I/you may prophesy” (1 Corinthians 14:1).

why’s and wells

I still have many things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now.” ~ John 16:12.

Sometimes there is more depth of soul to be explored and stretching of spirit to be drawn out in the not knowing…

positioned in a posture of trust…

while we wait.

It is here in this position where heaven’s secrets find themselves absent and silence from above stays voiceless that we press in to a love that needs not bring forth language as we know it, but rather an experience our souls crave.

Our finite minds say with Job, “Behold, I go forward, but he is not there, and backward, but I do not perceive him…” (Job 23:8), but our hearts, if stayed on Christ, will begin to understand what words cannot comfort. There is a deeper layer of us that speaks a tongue only a holy union understands.  A dialect of soul and Spirit bringing about a saturating assurance, a satisfying tranquility; the result: a quiet and composed soul that has climbed up into the lap of the Father. (Psalm 131).

Here the compassion of our Abba-Father will cradle our unsettled, disquieted hearts.  His Daddy arms will wrap our soul in strength and swaddle our spirits in hope.  His tenderness will massage through our bruised marrow and soften us with a soothing balm of healing oil.  His nearness will cause the delicate hairs on our weary necks to be rustled by His breath as we lean back against Him and breathe….and while we rest upon His bosom our hearts will sync to a hallowed, unrushed, soothing beat.

This is a place of sacred silence with the Master. This is a place that savors a slower pace, for hastening an answer will only breed anxiety.  This is a place where strivings cease, for all of the searching will only lead to answers that belong to another day, another trial.  Each one holding a unique and different revealing of heavenly purpose. This is a place where our reaching and groping are tamed and our weary muscles find rest.  This is a place where our “why’s” become deep wells overflowing with the character of Christ.

What if all the words we needed to know were the words of Christ that held back what He longed to say to us for another day?  Can we be content with the compassion He extends to us in the not knowing, knowing that if He were to tell us our souls would cave from the weight of the answer? If He told His disciples they could not bear what He wanted to say, could it be that we, too, may be unable to bear the weight of His words in response to our restless inquiries and unsatisfied longing for an answer?  What if it’s His love and grace and mercy that restrain the words we long to hear Him speak?  Even demand.  Would His answer in the moment satsify…

or pierce deeper? 

But if we sink our frame deep into His unchanging character,

then maybe this becomes a posture that seeks His presence more than His answers

and then His answers begin to take on a different form and shape then all of our daring to question and guess could conjure up.  Oh beloved, we have gone far too long making up answers for the High and Holy, for some things belong to God alone, “The secret things belong to the LORD our God, but the things that are revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may do all the words of this law” Deuteronomy 29:29.

You see, loves, there is a place, a place to meet with Christ day after day, longing for more of. just. him.  

a place to imbibe. him.

a place to stay…endure…


linger longer…

attracted to his scent…

inhaling the fragrance of. him.

This is a place where abiding becomes like breathing and questions of His presence and His faithfulness fade into the thickness of his jealous love.

His jealous, intense burning love.

So when we think our souls cannot bear the weight of our current trial, our anxiety and despair, and our confusion and finite thoughts of God leave a rattle in our soul….that bruises us on the inside…

and we cry out, why won’t you answer me???   

Oh but loves, KNOW THIS:

He is answering with soundless speech as He offers so much more in the quiet intimacy He extends to us in the waiting.  His heart is that we know Him; His goal to transform us. And while we book-end our questions with truth and let His love silence our screams, our whys begin to dig those wells that will hold more of Christ than we could ever know… if we knew.


the stir

There is a stirring in the places in me I’m not sure I have always felt.  Do those places even exist?  I mean, is there really a place between joint and marrow?  Soul and spirit? And if so, who has permission to invade the uninvade-able? to pierce through the unpierce-able? To penetrate the unpenetrate-able?  Its like every breath I breathe travels to places I will never see but only feel and fingers tremble as I press down on keys of plastic forming words birthed out of the stir.

A few weeks ago I awoke to the light peering over the dark, reaching through glass as a curious blink interrupted streams of love and light, color and heat.  The gaze was love, the blink birthed interest…

who are we that You should take notice of us?

That your dawn should awaken us?  That Your spirit should stir us and bring to life what we thought we had lost, or what was yet to be called into existence?  Like those places.… There was a time, forgotten by most, remembered by some, clung to by others, that You walked in a garden on a bed of soft color and as your knees imprinted earth, your hands scooped up dust and let it run and sift through the very fingers that would one day drive out demons as Your Kingdom came close.  Those hands formed our very lives…..every intricate cell, nucleus, chromosome, and You touched us there in your fashioning…your handiwork, your artistry.

You. touched. US. there.

We felt the hand of God knit together joint and marrow, trace the outline of our soul and join it to our spirit….stitch after stitch…

and then you breathed.

It was Your breath that stirred everything within us and we sprang from earth’s dust to a living, breathing image of You.

We felt the triune joy and drank the threefold love.  We danced inside the Holy circle and knew You.

Death we did not know.  Pain, inconceiveable.

Only us…

stirred into motion,

made to dance, fashioned to feel depths of love unleashed from your fountain riding on the rhythms of Your heart.

And this was us and You.

And then the stirring and colliding of our perfect union was fractured and our bodies collided with dirt as we lay dead. Darkness played the chords of a solemn death march because we wanted to be like you instead of the simplicity of enjoying You and what you had made us for, and the major lift and minor fall composed only chaos. The notes screeched and screamed and perfect harmony was shattered by lies laced with truth.  Our hands reached for knowledge and our mouths tasted evil.  Our dance fumbled and fell outside the Holy circle.

And your heart grieved so…..

You closed your mouth 400 years.

We became a people of pain and death, sorrow and despair, clawing at the dirt, attempting to rise from our graves.  We became his….the enemy’s, held captive to do his will. 


You stepped down out of heaven.

Love kissed earth again in the form of Your Son and the vibrations of Your Power, presence and agency, flooded through our graves. Your Word proved true….Emmanuel was here. 

There were some who were compelled to follow you and others who scorned you, yet you kept loving, teaching, healing and driving out death and oppression and the kingdom of God came close again.  We touched you, saw you…

smelled you…

those who could not resist you had no where else to go and left all for this awakening LOVE.

You told us to repent and believe and to keep believing even when you had to go…

even when you had to hang off a crooked and splintered cross so Your blood could run out of you over us and restore us to the dance.  That blood conquered death and pain and our bondage and captivity and the sin that killed us.

They laid you in a tomb and thought they’d seen the end of you. We could get on with our oblivious slavery and wallow in our shallow graves where we had found our comfort….inhaling the stench of death we no longer recognized.

But power from heaven gave-way in a mighty thunderous quake and the stone shook loose as you rose from death with a mighty shout calling us out of our graves and into light!

You stayed with us and told us to wait until we were CLOTHED WITH POWER FROM ON HIGH. A greater baptism was coming, one of fire and Your Holy Spirit.  So we waited and gathered together in upper rooms and sought Your face in one accord.  Your faithfulness to remain true to Your glory met us with tongues of fire, boldness, and an unstoppable love of the Spirit.  The promise was fulfilled.  Your Spirit poured out on sons and daughters.  Signs and wonder followed those who believed, not to make much of us, but to make much of You!

Over time, we forgot you…our spirits were dulled by religion, lies laced with truth once again…our hands seeking for knowledge, our mouths tasting evil….this way seemed right to man.

The “good news” became old news and somehow we were bored to sleep because we forgot how to live out Your Kingdom in us. We forgot the same power that raised Christ from the dead is within us!  We let unbelief twist its way into our hearts and we were cut off from the vine, and the very energy and life of Christ in the Spirit was quenched and drowned out.  The Healer no longer healed….or if He did it was rare and miracles are really no longer for today, or so we were taught.  Those who were in prison remained in their chains.  The sin-strugglers, stayed beaten and weary in the cycle of confession and sin on a shame-sealed lock-down.  It seemed the enemy had us where he wanted us. We were easy….

Except for the stirring…

The stirring in the places that cried out for the exact representation they saw of the Father in Christ throughout the gospels and all through the New Testament, Acts of the apostles and righteous men and women…the signs following those who believed….and the stirring breathed hope and spread through a community of believers…believers hungry to see our God renew His wonders in our day and breathe us back to life again!  We began to dream dreams and speak with new tongues, heal the sick, and above all love like we ourselves were drunk with the new wine of His love.

We are thirsty, Lord.  So thirsty, the places between are joint and marrow, soul and spirit are aching from our self-inflicted dehydration.  Remind us who the church is called to be!

Built up into the fullness of God,

flooded with the presence, power and agency of Christ through His Spirit…A place where people are set free from anxiety, depression, addiction, loneliness, healed whole in spirit and body, made alive in love and transformed by the renewing of our minds as we remind one another to put on the new self in Christ and let the very words of God, through the Bible divide and pierce through joint and marrow, soul and spirit… awakening those places that are to be filled up with Him until we all grow up into the fullness of Christ together, embracing the HOLY SPIRIT that is a power we cannot know or strive for apart from Christ.  

So now, “Therefore I remind you to stir up the gift of God which is in you by the laying on of my  hands, for God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:6.

light up my eyes

How long, O Lord?  Will You forget me forever?  How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul? and have sorrow in my heart all the day?  How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?  Consider and answer me, O Lord my God;

Light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death…

But I have trusted in Your steadfast love ; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.  I will sing to the Lord because He has dealt bountifully with me.” Psalm 13

Sometimes things light up…and sometimes everything looks grey.  What is grey?  I guess in simplest terms it is a shade mixed from stark colors of black and white where things make sense on either end of the spectrum, but grey…grey just hangs like a mist over a left-over wintery lake, where shifting ice gives way and warns of danger, yet beauty and life lie undiscovered beneath. Remember, just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean there isn’t life teeming and circling underneath the ever so slowly moving layers of frozen.

Us humans, in our flesh, don’t much care for grey.  We have a tendency to become depressed if things remain grey for long.  We are bent toward wanting an answer that lights up against our blackest night like burning balls of fire hung by the Stringer of stars in patterns that catch a breath of wonder and glimmer against downcast eyes.  Or we want a light so bright and white to illumine our way like the backdrop of ancient scrolls making life-filled words come alive on a page where Love speaks and breathes through Scripture.

There is black where we see white.  And there is white where we see black.  But grey mixes the two and we sigh…and we slump…and hope is deferred.  Is there a purpose for the grey?  Is God speaking in the grey?  Is the God whose heart is wild with color still speaking in the grey without stark answers?  Is hope really deferred, or is the grey a time for hope to build?  Is there beauty in the grey?  What if there are long seasons of grey where answers are deferred and strength and flesh fail?  How do we navigate back to the colors of a holy promise and the colors that reflect off the throne where the Ancient of Days reclines?

May I suggest to you that grey = waiting… and there are many promises given to those who wait upon the Lord:

“They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31.

“No eye has seen, nor ear has heard the things that God has prepared for those who wait for Him.” Isaiah 64:4.

“I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord! Be strong and let your heart take courage! Wait for the Lord! Psalm 27:13-14.

“The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him!” “Lamentations 3:25.

“Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in you.” Psalm 33:20-21.

“I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning” Psalm 130:5-6.

All of these Scriptures point to the steadfast love of the Lord and his indescribable goodness in the waiting.

Could the waiting mean that He is preparing something so beautiful and full of wild color that He is going to blow us away with how good He is when the waiting is over?

Are you doing your part in trusting that He is good in the waiting?  Are you being strong and courageous going from strength to strength as you press deeper into Him and rest in the unanswered grey season? Is your soul seeking all that He is and all that He commands in obedience in the waiting?

Fire makes grey ashes.  It consumes and purifies until there is nothing but soft silky grey. It is suggested that volcanic ash is good for us. If there are health benefits in the material ashes, would you believe there are gifts in the spiritual ashes of trial and suffering?  Maybe your grey season is a time to search your heart and ask our God the consuming fire to consume anything that hinders your trust, your allegiance, your hope, your unbridled worship and pursuit of Him.  You see the gift of grey may be a merciful outpouring of God’s steadfast, chasing, hounding love for you! Are you still worshiping the God of the grey?

Or your season of grey may be God speaking, “You think you’ve seen the best of me?  Oh no, child, my best is yet to come, you have no idea!

You see, if we are truly gazing at the beauty of our God in and through the grey, He will light up our eyes in expectancy of how He plans to move and where He plans to lead us, and what He plans to show us.

Have we gotten it wrong? Are we crying out to a God that seems like He is floating somewhere untouchable and unattainable above the grey?   Is it possible we have lost hope in the God who loves to reveal Himself to us through His power and Spirit? Have we forgotten that one of the promises of the Holy Spirit was to bring the comfort of Christ Himself?  The love of the Father, Himself?  (John 14:26).  Don’t leave the Spirit out of the grey.  When God promises to work ALL things for good according to those who love Him and He has called to become more like Christ (Romans 8:28), that promise is prefaced by the penetrating power of the Holy Spirit groaning through us in prayer on our behalf for those of us who have lost our words in our season of lingering grey.  Our grey has clouded our sight, and hung like lost hope over the dim wicks of our souls….

But something is stirring in the grey….like the ripples of melting water under massive blocks of ice…and when fire burns off the dross… gold coming forth out of the furnace of testing and refining out all impurity….mighty wind separating the chaff from the wheat…  This is a WORK OF THE HOLY SPIRIT and it must be done for power to be perfected in weakness.

He is near.  Oh Beloved, Holy Spirit, draw near, remind us who you are.  Let wonder roar in the heavens and vibrate through Your Spirit in our hearts and bodies here on earth.  May we feel your presence, let loose Your groans, and wait for You to show us what our eyes and ears have yet to behold!


Held Always,


how voting your conscience should seek the common good

I am NOT political.  It is difficult for this lover of words, derived from Hebrew and Greek, strung along in sequential sonnets to think critically about foreign policy, national debt, immigration, social reforms, declining infrastructure, inequality, the 2nd amendment, and the right to privacy encompassing a woman’s right to choose since roe v. wade, etc.  This is not to say that I do not have opinions, even strong unshakeable opinions, but rather that it takes a great deal of effort on my part to get the creative right side of my brain to merge through the corpus collosum of this eight pound sphere of bone and matter sitting atop my frame, with the more analytically inclined problem solving left side.  For the sake of this blog, I will do my best to think critically and exercise the left though I will not comment on most of the above.

I’m not sure that there has ever been more uncertain times in the history of America, but God has something all together different to say to the uncertainty of our hearts at this pressing time:

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.  And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.  But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.  For that person  must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.” James 1:2-8

America is facing what could be her most troublesome trial to date in the history of her freedom, formed within the constitutional pages of liberty, governed under a free electoral system characterized by formal equality of rights and privileges, otherwise known as democracy.

If you are an American…if you have been given rights and privileges such as are uncommon to the surrounding world, but grievously taken advantage of by many who tread this free soil, then you should feel the weight of this massive trial impending America’s future in the upcoming election.

The original meaning of the word “trial” in the above passage translates from the Greek as: “an experiment, attempt, proving.  The trial of man’s fidelity, integrity, virtue, constancy.  An enticement to sin, temptation, whether arising from desires or from the outward circumstances.  Of the condition of things, or a mental state, by which we are enticed to sin, or to a lapse from the faith and holiness.  Adversity, affliction, trouble; sent by God and serving to test or prove one’s character, faith, holiness.  Rebellion against God, by which His power and justice are as it were, put to the proof and challenged to show themselves” (BlueletterBible.org).

It is hard not to immediately recognize words such as fidelity, integrity, virtue, constancy, the condition of things, lapse from the faith and holiness…adversity, affliction, trouble sent by God. But the most frightening and significant thing I read in the above definition is “Rebellion against God, by which his power and justice are as it were, put to the proof and challenged to show themselves.”

There is much I could say about that last sentence, we will start there and work our way back.  The rebellion against God in America that has inflicted her with this present trial upon her in this upcoming election, either causing her to fling herself into a deeper tailspin of rebellion, sin, death and destruction or in desperation turn from her transgressions, repent and cry out to the God of the universal expanse that even if He found one….she may find her pardon, is at the root of whether we as American’s can be wise in “voting our conscience.”  Some are comforted by this overused phrase in the last few months, finding it a springboard into an ocean of wisdom as they seek the face of God through the tidal waves of uncertainty and drink up all that He offers to aid them in the upcoming agonizing decision of the soul that plays itself out in the conscience.  Others find the above phrase lacking depth and discretion granting American citizens the permission to just vote whatever feels right, off the top of their heads, without taking the time and effort to wrestle through articles, listen to debates, no matter how frustrating and repulsive we find them, and most importantly to pray and search the Scriptures to find what God would say on this historical scale of checks and balances. Both views are right.

So I will start with wisdom.  I am not a theologian.  I am not politically inclined.  I am a seeker of wisdom and daily cry out for the fear of the Lord.  Here is what I believe He has given me even though this is the last thing I ever thought I would blog about in a million years.

“What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun.”  Ecclesiastes 1:9.

The above verse should be of great comfort to us wisdom seekers, after-all, it was penned by the wisest man who ever lived, King Solomon. A man who could have had anything he wanted as King yet asked that he might be granted wisdom knowing the weight of a nation’s welfare was upon his shoulders. (See 2nd Chronicles 1:10-11).

So if there is nothing new under the sun, then surely the weight of this imposing trial before us as American’s has not surprised God, nor should surprise us.  The question is not to be “what if…” fill in the blank.  But rather, “what now?”  What can I do now, Lord, in wisdom and trust as I navigate through the messy avenues of my conscience that often lead me astray, but ultimately were designed as a map to lead me to a knowledge of You and your will?

And as always wisdom is found when asked for in faith.


“run to and fro through the streets of Jerusalem, look and take note!  Search her squares to see if you can find a man, one who does justice and seeks truth, that I may pardon her” Jeremiah 5:1.

Similarly, we find earlier in Scripture, Abraham pleading with God to spare His judgment on the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah in Genesis 18. (I would encourage you to read the chapter in its entirety.)  Abraham humbly and boldly goes before the Lord on behalf of the two morally wicked cities, Sodom and Gomorrah, in an attempt to intercede, beg, cry out for God’s mercy to triumph over His judgment. He doesn’t have to go see for himself the wickedness of these cities, there is no justifying their sin, their depravity, their perversion and stark defiance and blatant rebellion towards God.  He knows it exists and he has nothing left to do but, in trembling and fear, approach a Holy God.

“Then the men turned away from there and went toward Sodom, while Abraham was still standing before the LORD.” Genesis 18:22.

I will give one last example as it refers to having a knowledge of national sin and its solution:

Ah sinful nation, a people laden with iniquity, offspring of evildoers, children who deal corruptly! They have forsaken the Lord, they have despised the Holy One of Israel, they are utterly estranged.   Why will you still be struck down?  why will you continue to rebel?  The whole head is sick, and the whole heart faint.  From the sole of the foot even to the head, there is no soundness in it, but bruises and sores and raw wounds; they are not pressed out or bound up or softened with oil…if the Lord of hosts had not left us a few survivors, we should have been like Sodom and Gomorrah…When you come to appear before me, who has required of you this trampling of my courts? Bring no more vain offerings, incense is an abomination to me….I cannot endure iniquity and solemn assembly…when you spread out your hands, I will hide my eyes from you; even though you make many prayers, I will not listen; your hands are full of blood.  Wash yourselves; make yourselves clean; remove the evil of your deeds from before my eyes; cease to do evil, learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow’s cause…And I said, ‘Woe is me! for I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts!” Isaiah 1:4-6,9, 12-13, 15-17,6:5.

In the above passages we see faithful servants of God seeking people of justice and righteousness who may be found throughout the land, but they don’t stop there.  They have humbled themselves before a mighty, all powerful, God of justice and mercy and they cry out for the common good of the nation, city, infrastructure of community God has appointed them to, and include themselves as among those who need to repent. So what insight can we glean from these scriptures that will guide our conscience in this present trial?

The wisdom is both collective…and deeply personal. 

  1.  Collectively, there are strength in numbers.   This is helpful to us, as Christians, when we are told that 25 million of us passively sat at home in the last election. Whether this was due to pride, hopelessness, or an unwillingness to seek the common good of our nation because our conscience led us to reason that neither candidate fit our parameters of personal preference in the next
    Commander in Chief, we can see how this rule of thumb in voting our conscience hurt us rather than helped us as a nation.
  2. Jesus said, “where two or three are gathered in my name, there I am with them” Matthew 18:20.  This is a simple solution to the weight of this trial upon our conscience. Are we humbling ourselves and praying together? Are we setting aside differences of opinion, having hard conversations, searching the scriptures to see what God would say rather than what our BIG feelings say, and wrestling these things out together in corporate and private gatherings of prayer?  Are we gathering together and praying for the common good of our nation, our neighborhoods and communities, our governing authorities over legislative branches?  Or have we forsaken the fellowship of prayer and the deep communion with Christ and one another that brings an unshakeable forging together of a people prepared, steadfast and immovable in the greatest commandment to love God first and to love our neighbor as ourselves.  We cannot love our neighbor if we do not seek to love God first and to obey His commands.  When we humble ourselves and pray and gather together to seek the common good of our neighbor we cannot help but vote, even if we elect a fool. 
  3. What is the common good?  Here is where it hits home at the deepest level of our conscience, and thus is why voting your conscience can be good if used in the most basic sense of the word “conscience.” The conscience was designed by God to discern between what was morally good and what was morally evil. Here is a quick definition of the Greek word “conscience,” as found in Hebrews 9:14.  The conscience is referred to as the awareness of the the soul  distinguishing between what is morally good and bad, prompting to do the former and shun the latter, commending one, condemning the other.   So we can see that the conscience was to be used as a tool in helping to guide our decisions at the most basic level of right and wrong. This wasn’t meant to be difficult, in fact, God wasn’t trying to make things harder for people to be in tune with their consciences. Romans 1:20-32 reminds us that “His invisible attributes…have been clearly perceived ever since the creation of the world…so they are without excuse.”  What this means is that the goodness of God was put on display for all to see and understand through His creation.  However, the introduction of sin into the world, through our own sinful desires condemned us and made all of us prisoners of an “evil conscience.” We needed nothing less than blood to cleanse them, and not just any blood, but the blood of a spotless lamb; the blood of Christ, the one who knew no sin, to become sin, so that in Him we may become the righteousness of God” 2nd Corinthians 5:21.  And, “how much more will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself without blemish to God, purify our conscience from dead works to serve the living God?” Hebrew 9:14.  Since we were able to “perceive” the invisible attributes of God that were morally good, we are without excuse.  I do not mean moral in terms of human morality, though that is but a dim reflection of our humanity as image bearers of our glorious God .  I don’t want to be responsible for clouding your image of the God who is triune, and within that holy circle of three, is at the same time wholly good and wholly love.  He is not the most good, or the most love as if there are limits of these attributes as we assign them to humanity. But rather He is only good and only love even in His judgments. If our consciences, therefore, being cleansed by Christ’s blood are able to perceive God as inherently good, then we can begin to search His heart in terms of what it means to seek His common grace for the common good of this nation.

I am sure I am losing you by this point, but if I could wrap this up. I would tell you to “vote your conscience” if you are a Christian, but encourage you to wrestle with what is morally good and morally evil.  Here are three things that may be helpful in governing your conscience:

In God’s goodness He is:

  1. Pro-life; knitting together each tiny image bearer of Himself (Psalm 139:13-14). He is against every form of murder and for 43 years America has bore the guilt of blood-stained hands and feet in the legalization of Abortion in roe v. wade. Take heed the warning of Proverbs 24:11-12, “Rescue those who are being taken away to death; hold back those who are stumbling to the slaughter.  If you say, ‘Behold, we did not know this,’ does not He who weighs the heart perceive it? Does not he who keeps watch over your soul know it, and will He not repay man according to His work? If you vote for Hillary Clinton, the blood of the unborn will stain your conscience before a Holy God.
  2. A God who holds the marriage bed between a man and woman in highest honor as a reflection of Christ loving His bride the church. God created marriage.  He is for marriage.  Marriage makes beautiful the laying down of one life to serve the other and together follow the commands of God, to be fruitful and multiply and show the world that as a people who hold true the familial infrastructure created by God, we become a beacon of hope and a blanket of warmth to those who have suffered the breaking down of this institution of marriage and family.
  3. He is a God who hates these seven things: There are six things the Lord hates,
        seven that are detestable to him; haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes,feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies, and a person who stirs up conflict in the community (Proverbs 6:16-19).

America, seeking the common good of the this nation under the common grace of God who sends rain on both the righteous and the wicked, means to consciously and critically think through the moral issues of our day that found their origin in a Holy God who has the power to heal and restore or judge our “Rebellion against Him, by which his power and justice are as it were, put to the proof and challenged to show themselves.”

Ask yourself, “Is there a candidate that may hold the tiniest shred of hope to implement the return of America to integrity and virtue?”

A closing personal note to end on…  It is no secret that I could not choose the lesser of two evils in this upcoming presidential election.  In my heart of hearts I saw evil as the driving force behind both campaigns. Both candidates have acted immorally, unjustly, and given themselves over to blatant rebellion against God in their pasts and even in their present standing before Him. However, If I serve a God of life (who Jesus is referred to over and over throughout the scriptures) and who is for life because He is life, and if I serve and love a God who created the beautiful image of marriage in the most sacredness and purity of Christ’s love for the church between a man and woman, and If I know and love a God who desires to restore and heal wicked nations and commands His followers to “seek the welfare of the city He has appointed them to…”(Jeremiah 29:7), in order that they may enjoy the goodness of God and his blessing in that city, then I have to vote for the one who stands for the policies that most reflect God’s heart.  I have to have the wisdom to see that the candidate who has surrounded himself with conservative advisors and spiritual leaders will bring the most hope for America and trust that under those God has appointed to advise him, he will humble himself under the mighty hand of God should he be elected.

If your conscience has been cleansed from dead works, fellow believer in Christ, seek wisdom. Pray together. Lay down your pride, and vote.

Held in steadfast love,